I’ve been trying to remind myself that not everything needs to be so philosophically charged. Some things aren’t meant to be dissected and squeezed for every droplet of data, but rather simply enjoyed for what they are – joyful moments. I’m trying to find my way back to the piece of me that can be silly and find the play in the tranquility of life. Those relaxed, light, unguarded moments with friends and loved ones that are equally as important as the highly charged experiences. I’m mindfully in pursuit of rediscovering the inner me that has no problem dancing on the surface because he knows he also has the ability to go deeper than most. The me that can celebrate the duality and have fun diving into either end of the pool.
I’m finding myself in this really interesting internal conflict where I want to surrender to my inner child, my humorous side. The goofball kid that likes to crack jokes and has a plethora of witty come-backs at his disposal. Yet I’m feeling tension and resistance there because there’s a bit of shame in the undertones. You see, I spent most of my life in that space. I shielded all of my flaws, insecurities and low self-esteem with humor. Being funny was my security blanket and a great way to distract people from paying attention to my self-perceived lack of intelligence.
Now that I’ve fully committed to being a student of life and a practitioner of the lessons and strategies I’ve acquired, I firmly believe this is the first time my EQ and IQ are in full parallel to one another. It feels amazing to be here and I’m extremely proud of myself. – But, in the garnering of these attributes, I lost touch with that other quality that brings me joy, the access to my childlike free spirited radiance. The playful silly side that makes space for me to sit comfortably in the neutral. I deeply feel that laughter is a gateway to an enriching and joyful life. It costs us nothing but air, yet it provides us with so much internal nourishment.
My current exercise is to remind myself to not always be so ‘serious’. To laugh loud and often. To allow myself to be disarmed. To give permission to little me (inner child) to come out whenever he feels like playing. To allow him to run freely but not blindly. As a man that had an archetype (Dad) that didn’t model this type of freedom past the age of ten, it makes sense as to why this is so challenging for me. Words like childish, immature, silly, foolish, etc, are all triggers to the internal firing squad within me that are yelling, “Stop! Grow up, Daniel! That’s not how a real man acts!”. Which is obviously my dads voice and not my own, and highly counter productive to my creative spirit.